APPLE PIE - WITH CARAMEL SAUCE

(Full recipe first, then quick reference version below.)

Get some pie crusts - just get the premade ones in the freezer at the grocery store.  They usually have 2 in a pack.  The ones in the pan work, you'll just need to pull one out to make the top (this is the only thing that could be construed as bullshit).

Also get:
4-5 Big Granny Smith apples
1 TEAspoon Cinnamon
1 TEAspoon Vanilla
1/2 TEAspoon Nutmeg
HALF Cup (1 Stick) of Butter
3 TABLEspoons Flour
HALF Cup White Sugar
HALF Cup Brown Sugar
HALF Cup Water
2 Big Mixing Bowls

QUICK REFERENCE VERSION:

Pie crust - 10 min in oven at 350.
Preheat oven to 425.
Peel/chop apples, toss with cinnamon, vanilla and nutmeg.
Pour into crust.
Chop/melt butter to boil. 
Stir in flour then sugars and water - reduce heat and stir for 5 min.
Pour 1/2 over chopped apples.
Slice strips of crust, weave on top of pie. 
Pour rest of caramel on top.
425 for 15 min / reduce to 350 for 30-45 min.
Let it cool.


LONG VERSION:

PIE BASE

Put the crust in a pie pan (if it's not already) and put in the oven for 10 min.  It should have some directions on the package - do that.  This gets the bottom of the crust cooked.  If you don't, it will be soggy later.  After, heat the oven to 425 degrees.

Peel the apples - with a peeler.  If you don't have a peeler, grow up and get one.  Then hopefully your wife has a food processor.  If so, use it to chop them shits into little slices.  If you are married but don't have a food processor, one of you dropped the ball on your wedding registry.

Put the apple slices into one of the two big mixing bowls.  Add all the cinnamon, vanilla and nutmeg.  Put the second bowl on top, upside down and shake the shit out of it to mix it all up; then pour what you can into a pie crust.  If there's any left, put it in a bag and put it on ice cream later.  Or throw it away, whatever.

CARAMEL

Chop up and melt the stick of butter in a saucepan.  Stir in the flour and then add the white sugar, brown sugar and water. Don't let this burn, it will suck if it does.  Once it hits boiling, reduce heat and simmer for 5 minutes. Keep stirring.

Then pour HALF of this amazing caramel sauce all over the apple/pie situation you made earlier.  Poke around so that it gets down in between the slices. You should be pretty stoked right now.  You'll pour the rest over the top later, after you do the strips.

If you got a roll of crust, just slice it into 1/2 inch strips.  If you got the pan/crust thing, it should be room temperature by this point.  Lay it out on a cutting board and cut into strips.  Then just layer them on top of the pie in a grid - try to make them weave between each other. Trim the edges if you need to.  No one will care about how cute or authentic this looks, there's just some structural, physical reasons for doing it - steam has to get out and whatever, just do it.

Pour the rest of the caramel sauce on to the top - again you may not use all of it, good for ice cream.

Do yourself a favor and put a cookie sheet on the lower rack, this shit will bubble over with awesomeness.  Stick it in the oven at 425 for 15 minutes, then reduce to 350.  30-45 minutes later, pull it out and LET IT COOL for an hour or so.  Or don't, do whatever you want.  I lasted about 30 minutes before digging in.